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by verdemama on June 6, 2010

I did yoga the other night for the first time in AGES and it felt so good, I almost cried. I had made a New Year resolution to do more yoga (among other things), and then—poof—six months had passed, and I had done approximately zero yoga. Until now. I’m not sure what I’ve been waiting for. Oh, right. TIME—the crucial missing ingredient.

I really do love being a mother, but lately I’ve been mourning the loss of my former self. The one that had time to do things for herself. The one that exercised regularly, showered daily, slept in on weekends, read novels, danced at concerts and lingered over coffee and a crossword puzzle every Sunday morning. It’s with a sort of wistful contentment that I’ve relinquished (temporarily, anyway) certain aspects of my true self. But every once in a while, I catch a wisp of memory of who that person was, and I miss her.

Before I had Orion, I took fabulous, amazing, loving care of myself. I ate very healthfully, I went to the gym or did yoga or bicycled or took a long walk daily (and sometimes I even did several activities in one day). In retrospect, even though I didn’t think so at the time, I was in fantastic shape. I had flat abs, tons of energy and a clear mind. I loved my job as a magazine and web editor, and was in such a motivated little groove that I could exercise daily, get all my work done, eat healthfully, and get to bed by 10:30 every night. Everything in my life just clicked so well. I was in charge. Life was my bitch.

Now, I’m absolutely not the one in charge—every minute of my day is dictated by a toddler’s whims. I’ve let my bod get a little flabbier than I like, I have perma-dark circles under my eyes, and I read almost exclusively baby books and parenting magazines, rather than the literature, news and political analysis I used to love.

But I’m not quite sure I’m ready to accept my fate as milkmaid/walking napkin/baby jungle gym. Uh-uh, no way.

I’m here today to vow to myself, and every pair of eyeballs reading this blog, that I’m reclaiming my life as my own. (Okay, at least partly.) I’m promising to clear aside the piles of baby books and toys and make some space for myself, starting with daily exercise.

I’ll let you know how my journey back to my old self goes. I’ll keep you updated on all the downward dogs, the miles bicycled, the novels read, the summer concerts, crossword puzzles and lazy Sunday mornings.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an old friend to catch up with.

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